The Wait is Over!!

No more fear, no more days without contact, no more counting down the days, no more DEPLOYMENT. The wait is finally over! He has been home for 2 weeks and I have to say it has been the best 2 weeks in a long time. I was nervous and excited right before he came home.  Wondering if he had changed, would there be awkwardness between us?. Honestly, I feel as if we never departed from each other and the deployment never even happened. 10 months was long enough and I am so happy to have him home earlier than expected. I can now say I have officially accomplished something and it feels so good.   I am very grateful for my friends who were always there to make me laugh, listened to my worries and troubles, and kept me super busy. They have always been there for me this year and I couldn't have asked for better friends. You all know who you are and I really appreciate everything you have done. Especially Pete, Christina and Joseph.  You three have truly been incredible and were always there for me when I needed you. I appreciate everything you have done for me. As Spiderman once said "with great power there also comes a great responsibility". This is very true and definitely my motto for this deployment. I have learned so much and have become a stronger and better woman. So glad the wait is over! 

Emotional Stages of Deployment

I think I understand my feelings more now and come to a realization. I have kept a journal since the day he left for Afghanistan. Writing down all the emotions to see how I progress through this deployment. After reading it all I came up with stages of deployment. Check it out!  


Stage 1: Anticipation of Loss
6-8 weeks prior to deployment
Feelings: denial, fear, anger, resentment, hurt
During this time it is hard for a woman to accept the fact that her significant other is going to leave her. I found myself crying unexpectedly at songs, TV shows and other things that would normally not affect me. These incidents allowed me to release some of my pent-up emotions. 


Stage 2: Emotional Withdrawal
1 week prior to deployment
Feelings: Confusion, anger, pulling away
This occurred during the final days before departure. I know I should be enjoying these last few days together but all I wanted to do is cry. The last night that I saw him I cried so hard and couldn't stop because I knew that next morning he would be gone. I felt sick to my stomach and there was this invisible giant punching me in the stomach as we said our goodbyes. 


Stage 3: Emotional Confusion/Disorganization
1-3 months after departure
Feelings: sense of abandonment, need, loss, emptiness, pain, disorganization
Now matter how prepared you think you are the actual deployment still comes as a shock. You start to familiarize yourself with him not being around anymore, not planning social gatherings for two only one, restlessness kicks in, feeling awkward in social situations, becoming depressed, feeling so alone, maybe even withdrawing yourself from your friends.  You start to think oh my god I don't think I will be able to last the 300..something days this is absolute torture. Your thoughts become can I move on from this?


Stage 4: Adjustment/Recovery
Midway of deployment
Feelings: confidence, hope, calm, established
At this point I started to realize hey I'm doing OK! I established new activities and routines. I am more comfortable with him being so far away and it doesn't hurt as much. I had a new sense of independence and felt proud in my ability to cope alone. 


Stage 5: Expectation of Reunion
6 weeks prior to homecoming
Feelings: excitement, high expectations, fear, apprehension
This where I am at right now. The long list of things do while he is gone is still unfinished. The pace picks up and become a cleaning fanatic, dieting, planning homecoming. I have these an incredible feelings of joy and excitement in anticipation of his return. I looking forward to the day I pick him up and all the activities we have planned after! Do I plan him a big party or let the mother do it since I gave him a going away party? Where should we have it? Do I make a sign for him at the airport? What do I wear? Will my job understand I need to take days off because I haven't seen him in 10 months? All these questions come into my head and I feel like I'm constantly thinking about it. 


Stage 6: Homecoming
Day of Return
Feelings: EXCITEMENT! EXCITEMENT! EXCITEMENT! RELIEF!!!! 
Not sure how this going to feel or happen yet.. but I'll be updating you all! 

Civilian Women Irritate Me Sometimes..

 know it has been awhile since I last posted something. But I have been a busy girl! So we are on the home stretch he comes home in the end of November and I'm doing the happy dance! But there is something I need to express and not sure if you ladies have the same feeling as I do. After having my Seabee away for 10 months now I'm fed up with civilian women. All I hear almost every single day in my office full of women..and on facebook etc.. I haven't seen my boyfriend in a few days, he hasn't answered my text messages, I wish I was home with my husband today, making plans for the weekend/evening plans with their men...the list goes on. I have just about had it with this and pretty much blew up yesterday. Please tell me your tales of woe ladies... I would love to hear it. Oh yeah? Want to hear my story?? How about waiting every minute to just get a phone call from him and keeping your cell plastered to your hip because you might miss that one phone call? Skype becomes the norm every weekend where you sit and wait to see his face and it still doesn't do justice. You wish you could jump through cyberspace and be right there next to him. Ever become jealous of other couples because you just wished he was right next to you? Yeah that's what myself and other military girlfriends/fiancées/wives have to go through and much more. So put your big girl panties on and stop the whining! My Seabee and I planned a weekend get-a-way to Jamaica at Sandals (go there girls great deals for military!) and then taking a week trip to Puerto Rico. Now all I hear is you are so lucky... oh I wish I was going away... I wish I was in the Caribbean... but you are just lucky.. Well you know what?! It is well deserved! Any of you ladies going through this? It is just so frustrating. In the beginning it was hard to hear it all.. by midway it just didn't phase me..now that it's almost the end I'm fed up. Sigh... anyone feel the same?

Bipolar deployment?

Found out today that he is no longer coming home when he expected it to be. It has been pushed to December now. I knew it was too good to be true! Makes me sad inside but I should have known better. I should just expect January and that's it nothing earlier. But he made it seem like he would be home sooner and we planned a vacation together. I'm just a little bummed to hear this. Deployments are rough no doubt about it. It's full of ups and downs. The emotions are going a little crazy today. 

Phases

I've come to realize through this deployment I've learned that you go through stages. I am now getting through month 9 and I cannot wait for him to come home. 


Stages:
1. Depression: You start to feel alone in this and just want to be with nobody but him. You cry almost every night and sleeping in bed without him just isn't the same. You think nobody understands you and just want to be alone. 
2. Numb: You feel like you're starting to get used to him not being around and keeping busy is a great thing and you don't cry as much but you still miss him like crazy. 
3. Middle of Deployment: Very absorbed in staying busy and keeping positive! You only cry once in a while but it's natural. 
4. So Close Yet So Far: EXCITEMENT AND WOW WOW WOW it's coming to an end! (where I am now)


 

Done Waiting

I officially had enough waiting, can't he come home now? Isn't 7 months going on 8 long enough? I always wanted him to come home but as of today I have this deep feeling that I just want him now. I am done with the waiting and I wish it was November or January already (depending when he comes home officially there are rumors). I've had my fill of him being away. I am not sure what triggered this in me. Since January 3rd I have been so strong and upbeat about his deployment, sure I missed him a lot and had a few rough spots but now I want him back. Skype has been great and a lifesaver but it doesn't always do justice. Skpye is great but such a tease and hurts to say good bye. Why can’t we just pull them through the computer or jump through to their end!?  Mostly now it's just catch up from what we have been up to, and nothing more. Maybe a few jokes here and there but I would like to talk to him not in the cyber world. I miss having actual conversations at the spur of the moment, sharing random jokes, having him next to me at night, feeling his warmth and to know that I'm loved. Maybe I'm being stubborn or it's the after mid - deployment blues. Everyone says oh it's all downhill from here who aren't in the situation. Really? I find that hard to believe. Because now it seems like it's longer and harder. HELP!

Can't He Come Home Yet?

I have 3 or 4 more months of waiting and feel like it is taking forever. I miss him so much and every day my heart aches. I am always so busy but sometimes I just can't shake this empty feeling especially when everything around me reminds me of him. I laugh and smile when a memory pops in or when my friends bring him up but I get a feeling of loneliness because I wish he was here. Is it mid deployment depression? I am not sure what this is. I have all these thoughts running through my head right now. I just love him and I want him to hold me. I want to smell him and wake up next to him. It just hurts sometimes and even though reading that I am not the only one feeling this way helps in one way and it also makes it worse because it seems so depressing that so many of us have to go through the same thing. I have the one person in my life that I truly trust and love. The one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I always try to be strong and this deployment sure has made me one trooper. I miss him so much. Can't he come home yet? I have always heard that one is the loneliest number, but I think one while waiting is even lonelier.

Deployment; noun

de-ploy-ment, noun:
patiently, faithfully, waiting for my other half to return safely to me. [BACK OFF]
It is now August 1st and I cannot believe how fast time has flown. 7 months have now gone by and it shouldn't be too much longer until he comes home; 5/4 more months to go. I am really surprised at myself and this deployment has been a real eye opener for me. It allowed me to focus on myself and realize what I want in this life. Someone wrote this letter on a website that I log on to frequently and it is very touching.


Dear Military Wives/SOS,
While I have never had the pleasure of meeting you or your husband, fiancée or boyfriend, I felt the need to write you and express a very deep feeling that I have in my heart.I, as a person, am not brave. I do not tackle things head on, as I hate confrontation. I will travel 100 miles out of my way just to avoid a conflict. I am an American woman that has no idea what is going on in the military other than what I hear on the news. I have never had to let go of someone so that they 
could go fight for people that they didn't know, people that sometimes do not appreciate or 
understand what they are fighting for. I have never had a sleepless night of worry because of a report that another bomb has exploded and I still haven't heard from my husband. I have never had to wait for months on end to hold the one that I loved. I have never had to tell my children that daddy wasn't coming home tonight because he was so far away fighting for something that they aren't yet old enough to understand.I have never had to hold my head high and suppress 
the tears as I hear that it will be at least another six months of separation before my loved one gets to come home. I have never had to deal with a holiday away from the one that I thought I would share every day of my life with. I have never had to feel the panic rising in my heart at the sound of a ringing phone or knock at the door for fear that it is the news that everyone is terrified of getting. For the reasons listed above, I can not tell you that I understand how you feel. I can not tell you that you must be strong. I can not say that you shouldn't be angry, because you "knew what you were getting into when you married a military man". I can not say these things because I have never had to walk in your shoes. What I can say for certain is that because of your unselfish acts of bravery and your husbands willingness to stand up for those who see him as "just another soldier", I will never have to walk in your shoes. I do understand that as a military wife you are expected to uphold a certain amount of control, but I never understood how you could do it, until now. I have figured out that you are not like other woman. You are of a special breed. You have a strength within you that holds life together in the darkest of hours, a strength of which I will never possess. The faith you have is what makes you stand out in a crowd; it makes you glow with emotion and swell with pride at the mention of The United States of America.
You are a special lady, a wonderful partner and a glorious American. I have more respect for your husband than I could ever tell you, but until recently I never thought much about those that the soldier leaves at home during deployment. Until this moment I could never put into words exactly what America meant to me. Until this moment, I had no real reason to. Until I heard of you.
Your husband, fiancée or boyfriend and his military family hold this nation close, safe from those who wish to hurt us. But you and those like you are the backbone of the American family. You keep the wheels in motion and the hearts alive while most would just break completely down.
Military families make this nation what it is today. You give us all hope and you emit a warming light at the end of a long dark tunnel. Because of you and your family, I am able to be me. I am able to have my family. I am able to walk free in this great land. Because of you and your family, I
can look ahead to the future with the knowledge that life is going to be okay. Because of you and your family, I can awake to a new day, everyday. I realize that you are a stronger person than I will ever be because of these things and I just wanted to take the time today to say thank you to you and your family for allowing me that freedom. I will never be able to repay this debt to you, as it is unmatchable. However, I hope that you know that no matter where you are, what you are doing, what has happened today, or what will happen tomorrow, Your man will NEVER be "just another soldier" to me! And you, dear sweet lady, will never be forgotten. You are all in my prayer's everyday and I pray that God will bring you back together with your loved one safely.

May God Bless You!

Mixture

I've been trying to post something for a couple of weeks now and I can't seem to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I'm so drained of energy and emotions. This week has definitely been a tough one but here I am staring at the screen for a bit until I can get my thoughts together. I have to say I made it halfway through this deployment and 6 more months to go. No matter how impossible it may seem that you can't go on it is possible in time, the grief lessens. It may not go away completely, but after awhile it's not so overwhelming. You start to get used to the fact that time will go on and sooner than you know it he will be back. This year's July 4th I was very patriotic and proud of our soldiers. I dressed up in red, white and blue and wore his dog tags proudly. As proud as I was it was also a very hard day. At night watching the fireworks made me miss him so much. It just reminds you of the sacrifices that were made. I was able to talk to him that morning and should feel really good about the fact that we can stay in touch but it is always so bittersweet. I miss him so much it hurts. I guess I was just having one of those bad days. When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see if struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through.  With all that said... "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference" by Winston Churchill. As hard as this has been for me already, it really hasn't been all that bad. Along with sadness, that's a whole mix of emotions that I've been feeling too.

Loving a Soldier

Loving a soldier is a high price to pay, 
loving him truly is hard when he's away. 
It's being alone with nothing to hold
it's being young, but feeling old
it's having him whisper his love for you
it's whispering back that you love him too. 
There comes a kiss and a promise for more, 
as his plane slowly rises to soar
reluctantly, painfully, letting him go, 
while your insides are dying from wanting him so, 
watching him leave with eyes full of tears, 
standing alone with your hopes, dreams and fears. 
It's sending a letter with the stamp upside down, 
to a far away love in a far away town. 
It's going to church to kneel and pray, 
and really meaning the things that you say. 
Being in love will foster your dreams, 
of that far away soldier your mind fairly beams. 
Days go by, no mail for a spell, 
you wait for some word to hear that he's well. 
Then a letter arrives, and you've given in, 
to open his letter and read it with a grin, 
yes, he is well and misses you so, 
it's filled with the love you wanted to know. 
Weeks are like months, and months are like years, 
you wait for the day when you'll have no more fears. 
Days go by slowly, how many have passed? 
Yes, loving a soldier brings bitterness and fears, 
loneliness, sadness and despondent years. 
Loving a soldier isn't much fun, 
but it's worth the price when the battle is won
and remember he is thinking of you everyday, 
he's sad and he's lonely while so far away
so love him and miss him and hold your head high, 
be strong and have faith, wipe that tear from your eye. 
It's the high price you pay for loving a soldier

2 Poems no titles yet...Come Home

Hello world, Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
They’re in their own place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I love you and I miss you
And everyday I wake up and have this ache in my chest.
And sometimes I just sleep in because I know
when I wake up your not gonna be there.
But it’s ok because we will be together again.
One of these days I'm gonna wake up and
were both gonna feel that same beat in our hearts,
And whenever that day is, I’ll still be waiting for you.
And you’ll come back home to me

She Who Waits Also Serves

Last night was the first time I found it difficult getting a full eight hours of sleep.I kept putting off the whole "going to bed concept". I've done fine the past 5 months and last night was the first time I tried to fight going to bed. Why you may ask? We talked on the webcam for about 20 minutes until he had to get to work. Just seeing and hearing his voice puts a great big smile on my face. It makes me feel like he is right here with me. But I still long for his touch and the feeling of being complete. Something about the absence of his presence got to me. In the middle of our conversation his internet started getting fuzzy and in a second we lost connection. When I turned around to get into bed it was so hard. I am not sure why it was. I just kept putting the sleep off. I tucked my sheets in and held on tightly to a teddy bear he sent me. Sure it helps but having him not there makes me feel empty at times. That's when I remembered I'm not like any other girlfriend. I'm a military girlfriend. I normally don't like to classify myself, yet here I am. Now preparing myself for another 7 months of deployment and struggling through another month without him. The months are starting to go by quicker. I may not get to see him as often as I like. I may not get to hold him in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, he is the one that I love and I can't let him go. I've been blessed to have someone stand up for me in the face of war without having met them. Now Noel is doing the same for me, my family, our friends and the entire country. Have to tell you it's a completely different feeling. At first I felt selfish for not wanting him to go and at the same time I felt defeated because I had no say if he stayed or not. But now after reading his letters, and seeing pictures of him in Afghanistan it really is incredible and my heart beats so much stronger. I was always proud of him but now I am so much prouder than I was. It's easier to watch the news and know that your man isn't the one fighting out out there, that he'll be home sleeping under the same roof instead of dealing with the pain and fear of him being out in the middle of the desert in a dangerous war. I am thankful for other military wives who have supported their husbands, loved and waited on them so they can protect our country. I'm thankful for their patience and strength that has allowed their men to be fearless and victorious throughout the years. I'm praying that God gives me that same strength, love, patience, and encouragement to get through these tough months. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I know that there is a reason for me to be a military girlfriend. It's going to be it's very own chapter in my journey in life.

Compare/Contrast

You stay up for 16 hours.
He stays up for days on end.
You take a warm shower  every morning to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.
You complain of a "headache" and stay in bed.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.
You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.
You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.
You make your bed and wash your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
You get your  hair done
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
You're angry because you worked 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.
You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.

Reality Settles In

...a lot of things I will probably never be.
...a lot of things I will try to be.
...a lot of things I will fail to be.

It has been awhile since I last wrote and I had some thinking to do before I posted anything. I've realized the best I can do is improve upon who I was yesterday, accept my shortcomings and flaws, and put my best foot forward everyday. This deployment has made this painfully obvious to me. It's been almost 6 months now and I am realizing who I am and how I've affected people. This is reality time and you rediscover yourself more than ever before. 


After a few weeks of not hearing his voice I started to become depressed and anxious. Hoping that today will be the day he calls. Today I will get an email or something in the mail. But I was only kidding myself. I kept having high expectations every morning and when I didn't hear anything I was upset. I finally sucked it up and dealt with it and implanted in my brain that when he does have the time to contact me it will be the best day. Another 2 weeks went by and I didn't have those expectations on my mind anymore. Took everyday as it came. But last Tuesday morning I turned the TV on and the first thing that came on the screen "Suicide bomber in Afghanistan kills 18 soldiers". My mind started to race wondering if he was there and saw it happen. I didn't even come close to thinking he was one of them until someone at work said those magic words. I had to go outside and cry for a minute and then suck it back in to be strong. The rest of the day I kept repeating to myself no news is good news.  It didn't help that my coworkers were pestering me if I heard from him. I went out with my friends that night to see Iron Man 2 and it was great to not be focused on Afghanistan. As I was driving home my cell phone rang by the time I got to it I missed the call. A very strange number too then BuZzZ there was a voice-mail and his voice was on the message. The biggest smile appeared on my face just to hear him.  As upset as I was not getting to the phone on time I was hoping he would call my room number. Sure enough as soon as I walked inside the phone was ringing and his voice was the greatest thing to hear. He sounded great we talked and laughed for the time that he had but was ordered to get back to work. It's amazing how the sound of his voice makes everything disappear. 

It's Killing Me Not Knowing..

Mood changes are happening again. I barely heard from him this week and all I got was a text message saying they are moving him but he can't tell me where or why. All he said was "it's military reasons I can't tell you". I feel like I'm dealing with someone who is in the FBI and everything is TOP SECRET. It is absolutely killing me. I haven't heard from him since that day and I just wish I could know where he is on his way to or why they are making him transfer. I didn't even get to say "I love you/be safe/take care" it was just a text and now I'm sitting here wondering. I miss him a lot and starting to become moody again. As if not seeing him isn't upsetting enough and now I am becoming jealous of other couples and angry at girls who say I haven't seen my boyfriend a few days or this week pisses me off. But I need to be strong and not let it effect me. So Frustrated!